Who Knewnu

So, I pointed out the other day that John Sunununu had apparently gotten too hot and stumbled into a television studio where he proceeded to rant, in a rather undignified manner, about the President. Today he apologized for yet another incident that makes you wonder where his family is, and why they haven't gotten him safely home yet.

For the record: calling someone dumb, an idiot, a failure, misrepresenting that person's record and views, lying about that person, whatever that's just politics. But if you dare call that same man un-American, by God, you've stepped over the line.

What It's Like to be Mitt Romney

It's been charged of both Presidential candidates that they're out of touch. And both sides, Republican or Democrat, have fervently denied such charges. It's important that the American people see each candidate as someone they could have a beer with, that they can relate to.

In a bipartisan effort to humanize the opposition, I've been trying to put myself in the shoes of Mitt Romney. It is in that spirit that I'm actually going to try and write this in the most positive way I can, so that you too might see just how normal he is.

Childhood

As a child, Romney found it hard to fit in. His father was a wealthy governor, after all, so even at the elite private schools he attended there was a bit of a bubble separating him from his classmates. While others may have been cowed by such a case, Romney seems to have used the occasion to improve himself and those around him.

In an early show of leadership, Romney once rallied his fellow students to the common cause of strict and arbitrary dress code enforcement. The crowd swarmed an effeminate classmate whose hair was too long, holding him down while Romney personally and forcibly styled the locks to a more appropriate length.

You know, normal kid stuff.

College

We all have some crazy times during college. Young and impulsive, every one of us makes a mistake in those years that would be embarrassing, to say the least, if made public years later. Experimenting with drugs or our sexuality, treating others badly, maybe impersonating a state trooper and harassing citizens at night, whatever. College antics.

Like any other college kid might, Romney found himself in possession of an official government-issue trooper's uniform acquired by his father. And he used this typical present to, naturally, cruise around until he saw someone breaking the law so he could pull them over and chastise them. Oh, to be young again...

Career

Everyone knows the exceptional aspects of Romney's business career. He ran his company, Bain Capital, in a prudent and efficient manner, investing in countless businesses, many of them (like Staples, or Dominos Pizza) phenomenally successful. With his business success and personal investments combined, he's now worth an estimated quarter of a billion dollars. (Not counting any undisclosed offshore assets.)

What isn't talked about as often are the humdrum, man-of-the-people aspects of his work at Bain. For example, Mitt Romney worked so hard at fixing the Olympics, and then running for office, that he didn't even realize he'd retired from Bain! It took the guy a few years to realize the truth. 

His critics might wonder how difficult his job must have been if it was more or less indistinguishable from retirement, but even they must admire the business acumen required to collect a six figure paycheck well into the apparent twilight of his life. Much like your local, lovable Wal-Mart greeter.

Candidacy

Romney worked very hard to single-handedly save the Olympics, so much so that he almost never traveled home to his beloved Massachusetts, where he was CEO-in-name-only at Bain. The overqualified Romney was at first frustrated by the partisan efforts of liberal activists, who claimed that one is a resident of a state only if one lives and/or works there. A rational human being would admit that a man need only touch the soil for the briefest of moments to call any state theirs.

As part of the interview process meant to prove his residency, Romney claims he made several business trips to Mass., when his only business there was Bain. This is the part where you can truly feel for Mitt, and sympathize: the poor guy was unaware even then that he'd long-since left the company for good. Poor schlub.

Again, his opponents might say that Romney has shown a consistent and life-long pattern of entitled behavior, ruthlessly gaming every system to his favor with the full force of all his considerable advantages. But you and I, and all the real people of this great nation who have felt Mitt's pain and have known his struggles, know that what he really is at the core of his being is an average, every day guy like the rest of us.

Bain in the Ass

What a difference a month makes. In June, around the time of Obama's Latino Hail Mary, Romney had been in charge of the previous few weekly news cycles, with numbers that were inching up, and was firmly in charge of the national narrative.

Every speck of that previous near-advantage has been wiped clean in 30 days time. And a good part of the turnaround has been a continued focus on Bain, which has left Republicans scrambling for an election year tit for this unrelenting tat. 


John Sununununu, former governor of New Hampshire, recently gave a perplexing and aggressive interview to Andrea Mitchell where, when asked about charges that Romney pioneered outsourcing, he asserted that Romney was rubber and the President was, in fact, glue. 

And when talking to Sean Hannity, the former governor lashed out in another incident we can only attribute to low blood sugar. (0:53)

Outsourcing? Well, Obama's an outsourcer too, then! Oh a felony, eh? Well Obama might as well be a felon! And in fact, the Right has gone even further saying that, you know what, Obama admitted to committing felonies too! Because, uh, well, um, smoking weed is a federal crime!

(Which, not to continue the robust tit-tat trade going on here, but I'm pretty sure that impersonating an officer of the law is also a federal crime. If we're going to re-litigate ancient history, I mean.)

There are other, far less entertaining surrogates out there making these and other points; I just get a kick out of Sununu. What's notable about all these attacks, though, is that they don't seem to be working. Bain is proving to be a drain on Romney this election in just the same way as it was in all his past elections.

So, there's been some debate over whether this election resembled 1992 or 2004, with Mitt Romney as either Clinton or Kerry, depending. If Bain - which should otherwise be Romney's biggest strength - continues to hurt him as it's doing now, Romney might as well just take up windsurfing and get it over with.